


Choke on a heart up in smoke

by AimiTachibanana



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anal Sex, Cutting, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Gaslighting, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mystery, Psychological Horror, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Smut, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide Attempt, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:08:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28085970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AimiTachibanana/pseuds/AimiTachibanana
Summary: A series of curious dreams, waking up with hints of sleepwalking leads Remus Lupin to question just what exactly the handsome stranger called Sirius Black’s role in his life is…[written for R/S fireside fest vol.3]
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 34
Collections: RS Fireside Tales Vol.3





	Choke on a heart up in smoke

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Afflicted](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22284595) by [Gooseberrybrains](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gooseberrybrains/pseuds/Gooseberrybrains). 
  * Inspired by [Grimsfall](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21890800) by [pixelated](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixelated/pseuds/pixelated). 



> i’ve had the idea for a while but credit goes to these two amazing works/authors for inspiring me🖤
> 
> please heed the tags before reading. it might spoil the later parts so it's your choice but i really dont want to trigger anyone. it's all for the sake of the story i promise :,))
> 
> thank you so much to the mods of this fest: Gloom and Muse! i enjoyed taking this risk of stepping out of my comfort zone

Drowning. That was the first thing Remus could register. He was drowning.

A fog? The ocean? _Something._ He was being smothered. Overwhelmed. He was gasping for air. His vision, obscured, by the unidentifiable stratum that slowly choked him. The sound of his heart pounding was deafening. He was clawing for the small crack of light, willing to gamble on it being an escape from whatever was below him. What it was… it doesn’t matter. Just that he _has_ to get out. Not even a moment to spare in this split second opportunity he desperately clung to.

The light grew. He could breathe again, but it felt wrong. Perhaps seeing it flicker out would have placated his trepidation better, instead, it neared. Apprehension only increased at this glimmer of hope. This was nothing more than luring him to a false sense of security. He refused to open his eyes as he took in a shaky breath. Tentatively, he took a step forward, and felt it land on an even platform. It was different from the ground his other foot remained.

He allowed himself to breathe deeply and relished in the feel of his chest finally relaxing. Then he heard a voice. The words were muffled, like Remus’ ears were still submerged underwater, but it sounded like it was calling him, inviting him. Remus cracked an eye open and saw a hazy display of colors. As he concentrated further, he gradually distinguished a few features from the kind face, framed by lovely locks of dark hair that contrasted to the bright lights from behind. Intrigued, Remus wanted to reach out, to touch, to chase.

But as soon as he did, it was like the glimmer of hope he was impartially reluctant to trust, snapped. He ought to know better than to easily succumb to this illusion.

A strong and unrelenting yank on his ankles forced him to his knees and chest to catch his entire body’s weight, knocking the fresh air right out of his lungs. He didn’t have time to wince at the jolting pain as he was being furiously dragged back. The vision of his arms’ final futile attempts to grasp at nothing slowly got swallowed by paralyzing darkness.

Falling, and the surmise of landing with his spine in pieces was the last thing Remus remembered as he startled awake with a loud and guttural gasp.

Remus clutched his chest as if to restrain his heart that threatened to jump out of his ribcage in its violent hammering. 

Minutes or perhaps hours passed by when he finally settled down to a calmer breathing pattern. Remus’ eyelids felt glued open. He hardly remembers even blinking since his sudden plunge back to consciousness. His appearance was the least of his concerns but he could tell his eyes were bloodshot, strained and glossy. 

He sat up and ruffled his hair as he took in the view of his room. The bookshelves to one side were solid, almost like a painting in its stillness. His desk, his chair— _everything_ was fine. His arms and legs ached but he’s here and _he’s safe._ Only, his room was too neat. Too tidy to be considered inconspicuous given his thrashing. 

_He might be losing his mind._ Remus shook his head, forcing out a laugh. Paranoia has been his prime takeaway from his nightmare, he reasons. But as he sat up, there was no duvet he expected to cascade down his torso, instead he found himself sitting on it, without any trace of being pulled down during the night at all.

The icy gust of wind reminded him how he was still shivering as he then shuffled to close the window, mostly so his muscles could release some of its tension. Leaving the windows open hardly recurred in his memories, but it must have somehow slipped his mind because he vividly recalls his teeth chattering even while in his dream.

As it transpired, it was merely the crack of dawn. He was well aware how this ungodly hour generally rendered him into either a muddleheaded mess or a wet blanket for the rest of the day, but the prospect of letting his mind slip into a vulnerable state of dormancy was downright terrifying as much as it seemed entirely impossible. So, he ended up drinking gallons of tea for four hours until it was the acceptable time to get out of his flat as he hung onto the idea of a more normal outcome in the day ahead of him that would hopefully overpower his disturbing morning so far.

****

It was now his fifth visit to the loo just within this hour alone. He honestly should’ve expected this after he nearly emptied his entire stash of Chamomile tea. So then of course, he had to explain to his visiting friend since it was getting quite weird how he kept excusing himself mid-conversation. 

“Reckon I sleepwalked.” Remus concluded with a curl of his lips, as he stepped behind the counter to continue sticking barcodes from the pile of new arrival books.

“Haven’t you experienced this before?” said Lily while peering at him with a look of mild concern the entire time. She was leaning on the same counter, just on the other side.

A slight crease formed on his brows. “Yeah…” he drawled. No wonder this situation rang some sort of familiarity. This certainly wasn’t the first time he woke up disoriented and twice exhausted. It baffled Remus how it hadn’t crossed his mind up until Lily mentioned it.

“Remus?” Lily called in a singsong voice.

“Huh?” he replied, whipping his attention back to her.

She smiled wryly. “I thought you were about to have your tenth potty break. I should book you in with Harry, he’s getting better with his training, you know.”

“Shut up.” Remus rolled his eyes. “Speaking of… How is the little rascal?” he grinned.

Lily huffed. “Like he was born with Redbull flowing in his veins. Wonder where he gets it…”

Any mention about her toddler always lightens up his mood, be it the simple update on potty training—or the lack thereof. He’s glad it still delivers the same effect as he elicits a laugh at this, feeling the nerves alleviate from his first good news this morning.

“He’s quite excited to see you tonight actually,” said Lily.

“Oh?” Remus’ chest warmed instantly. “He’s mostly excited for the chocolate I never fail to bring him, let’s be real.”

“My son is above petty bribery, thank you very much… or at least I’d hope so.”

“You should fear your son, Lils. He’s got James’ brawn and your brains.”

Lily chuckled just as her phone chimed her ringtone. She inspected it and quirked her eyebrows. “It’s James. I have a feeling this will be about Harry.” She gestured to her phone then outside. Remus nodded at her with a perceiving look.

Remus treasures this small checking up while at work. Her visits at the bookshop meant an invitation for dinner with the rest of the family. Eventually it got so frequent that it just stopped becoming a request and more of a reminder since they’ve established the mutual interest anyway. It used to always be with James and sometimes even Harry, but having both father and son present is a guaranteed rowdy gathering so it was up to Lily to keep them from risking Remus’ job which had dozens of perks, the biggest one being its ideal location (a walking distance from both their flats) and instead arranged to go alone while they reserve their typical marauding in the Potter household.

A night out like this is exactly what Remus needs, he pondered with a curt nod to himself.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he went back to his work, turning to the pile of books still on the counter—when out of the corner of his eye, Remus sensed someone’s gaze on him.

Slowly, he looked up, trying to ascertain if the person really was tracing _his_ movements, but also not wanting to appear too conscious about his awareness of it.

And that’s when amber met silver.

Those pair of eyes were so intently fixed on Remus that averting was presumably the more logical option, but he simply felt drawn to them. It didn’t help that the owner was breathtakingly handsome. Remus usually took pride in his eloquence and wit, but words barely seemed profound enough to bring justice to the alluring man who continued to stare. The stranger’s angular features matched his fierce eyes, but he held a gentle look. It might’ve been wishful thinking, but Remus had a feeling this particular expression wasn’t something this stranger easily bestowed upon any ordinary encounter, especially not for a random bookstore clerk like Remus.

Although evidently, Remus wasn’t mistaken for someone else as the handsome man sauntered toward the counter with lithe movements, only breaking the eye contact to comb his slender fingers through his smooth shoulder-length midnight-black hair.

“Hey there,” his deep and cool voice said. It reminded Remus of the vast ocean, and it startled him how willing he was to submit himself to the waves.

Gulping to relieve his dry throat was how Remus discovered he’d apparently been slack-jawed until then. He quickly sobered up, resolving to his best customer service smile, knowing there wasn’t enough time to fix himself now that he was being surveyed by this sex god of a bloke—it was definitely not the kind of insecurity a competitive straight man would feel. The way Remus’ insides squirmed at how the handsome man’s smile grew set this thought to stone.

But while this charming smile made his knees weak, the gears in Remus’ brain finally fell into place as he came to the conclusion behind his mysterious fascination by this man—other than his exceptional good looks—was the intense aura of familiarity he gave off. The problem was, he couldn’t yet determine why and how this came to be, just that it was strong and persistent.

This shift in Remus’ mood might have been too apparent in his current expression as the man arched an eyebrow inquiringly at him. Remus shook his head, “Sorry, you just look like someone I know.” he smiled, sheepish.

“Do I?” The man looked intrigued as he glanced around for a bit, perhaps mindful of the service hours. Remus noted the man’s penchant for respectfulness and cursed himself for instantly welling up in fondness. An arm rested on the wooden counter, taking Lily’s place, as he once again spoke, “Tell me about it?”

“Oh, uh…” This response, however, got lost in his thoughts. The way the man’s face settled in Remus’ view finally got him discerning the flash of recognition. The dark hair. The kind face. Its disparity with the light from the windows behind him.

“Funny…” Remus continued, eyes roaming around the stranger’s features before catching himself as he let out an abashed chuckle. “Someone from my dream actually.”

It was no doubt an odd response, but the stranger simply tilted his head and appeared to be mulling over his own thoughts for a while. “A good dream, I hope.” A smirk teased his lips.

Remus rolled his eyes but an uncontrollable grin spread across his face. “Trust me, _this_ is better.” He tried to counter with a smirk of his own but instead stifled an abrupt yawn. He heard a soft chuckle from the man at this. “Oh, God. Sorry about that. It’s just—I think my Chamomile tea isn’t done mocking me.”

The man nodded graciously. “Rough night?”

“That obvious?” Remus asked, though bearing no bitterness in his expression.

He responded with a chaff curl of his lips. “Was it the dream you had?”

“Yeah, I suppose the resemblance is getting quite uncanny but I might just be running low on sleep. It’s crazy though.”

“It is, isn’t it.”

Remus restrained himself from staring too much at the stranger once more. He can’t help but be pulled by this urge. He could blame it on his grumbling curiosity about his reminiscence to the dream, but it was getting more and more difficult not to get drawn by the latter’s looks alone.

“Well,” the man eyed Remus from his disheveled tawny curls to his uniform jumper. “Remus… How about a coffee?” as gruff as his voice sounded, the tone was gentle, tentative even.

“Is that an invitation?” Remus smiled, an eyebrow raised teasingly.

A shrug. “The last thing I wanted to be was presumptuous.” he said, wetting his lips. Remus had to tear his gaze away.

Remus helplessly glanced around the empty place as he sighed. “Unfortunately I’m tied to this place for five more hours.” he said, placing a hand on top of the pile of books he still hasn’t lessened for emphasis.

He hears a noncommittal noise. “If it’s fortune you wish, suffice to say, I have it on my side.”

Either it was Remus’ drowsy brain increasing its asperity, but he didn’t think he had enough willpower left to properly comprehend the implications of the previous statement. “Thanks, but I love my job, really. I only sound like I don’t because I’m currently tempted by that coffee,” — _especially when someone like you is offering,_ is what he doesn’t add.

“A big fan of books then?”

Remus sees him glance to the pile of books his hand rested on and he subconsciously started caressing the pertinent. “You could say that.” Remus nods through heavy eyelids. “You?” he managed to slur the words out.

“Only this one,” he pointed to the top most book on the pile where Remus’ hand laid.

Remus examined the book, retracting his hand for a better view. The title read; _“A Skywatcher’s Guide to Constellations”._

“You into Astronomy?”

The man folded his lips, tilting his head slightly. “Not particularly. I suppose in a way, it becomes rather intrinsic for someone who’s named after one of these.” A finger trailed across the bold letters of the title.

“Oh! Which one?” Remus piped up. “No wait, let me guess.” he scanned the man’s features once more, delighted he could do so freely this time. The darker-haired man simply grinned in response and Remus felt his conviction shrivel from the intense gaze he was given in return. “Actually,” —he coughed, “I might not know that much.”

The man nodded encouragingly. “It’s relatively well-known.”

“Orion?” was the first thing that came to Remus’ mind.

“Close.” He breathed out a laugh. “It’s Sirius.”

 _Of course…_ “The brightest star.” Remus mused. He immediately fell into a spiral of how that name befitted a person so beautiful, that he didn’t even question how Sirius was _‘close’_ to Orion.

“I’ll give you a raincheck on that coffee.” Sirius winked, pulling Remus out of his thoughts as the former gave the book a few rhythmic taps before stepping back from the counter. “Nice meeting you, Remus.”

Remus was eyeing the book and was already thinking about giving it a read. But as his thoughts filled the silence, the echo of Sirius’ last words finally dawned on him. “Wait. I don’t think I’ve mentioned my… name yet…” He glanced around the place only to find it already deserted. When he heard the door open, he expected to catch Sirius leaving at least, but then it was Lily who strode into his view, her flaming-red hair swishing with her movements.

“Ah, well. It _was_ James.” she said. “And apparently, Harry _broke_ the cookie jar.”

Remus gaped at her.

“I know!” Lily huffed, stuffing her phone in her purse. “You were right, Remus. I’m starting to fear my son… _Are you okay?”_

A furrow deepened between his brows. “Yeah,” he says, though failing to sound convincing enough. “Sorry. I’m a bit distracted.” Remus ruffled his hair.

“Clearly.” Lily deadpanned. “All right?” she said, sounding more concerned this time.

“Just,” he sighed, easing away the tension from his expression. “met someone. Really hot too.”

She cooed. “I can’t wait to hear all about this bloke.”

“Didn’t you see him?” he asked.

Visibly perplexed, Lily blinked. “When?”

“You entered just as he left. You must’ve bumped into each other at least.”

Lily scrunched her face slightly. “I’m afraid there wasn’t anyone at the door when I came in.”

“That’s odd.”

“Yes well,” Lily gave an apologetic smile. “You can tell us all about this mysterious devil that got you all dreamy like this tonight.”

A smile crept on Remus’ face at this reminder. “Right.”

“Sorry but I really have to get back, it’s only a matter of time before my two children break any more furniture.” She titters a laugh at this, already backing up to the door once more.

“No worries.” said Remus. “Good luck Lily. I’ll see you tonight!” he grinned.

“Can’t wait!” She waved goodbye as the bells gave one final jingle when they fell shut.

Remus’ attention went back to the book still in his hand as he read the title again, his whole meeting with Sirius still so fresh in his mind. Although there was something unfathomably ominous about it, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t find the mystery enticing.

****

Just five minutes into stepping inside the Potters’ house made Remus forget all the bizarre events he’d been bottling up for the entire day as Harry jumped to his arms in greeting, which was then followed by James’ own bone-crushing hug.

He had been right how he simply needed a night out like this to calm his nerves. It was probably the stress of his lack of sleep that spurred wild ideas to his brain, making him overrate the unexplainable things that might not have even been that outlandish had he not lack the presence of mind to keep track of things happening around him.

A sharp tinkling noise started Remus just then. He breathed out a long sigh of relief when he realised it had only been Harry knocking over one of the empty glasses on the table while on James’ lap.

“All right Remus?” Peter asked, while James passed Harry to Lily’s arms and quickly arranged the glass.

Lily answered for him. “He’s been all jumpy since morning,” she said, standing up so breakables won’t be in Harry’s grasp anymore.

“Rough day at work?” James asked while dabbing the small spillage with a rag.

“I doubt it.” Lily replied, giving Remus a knowing look. “Tell us about the hot bloke you met!”

“Oh, right.” Remus snorted.

“At the bookstore?” Peter asked, looking impressed.

Remus nodded, “Mhm… Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are, Pete.” He glances around the room, this time addressing James and Lily as well. “We once talked about how conventionally attractive people aren’t usually found in bookstores… unless they’re weirdos.”

“Or serial killers.” Peter added as they all laughed in unison.

"Was he really attractive then?" piped up Lily.

After taking a small sip of his drink, Remus nodded. “Oh yeah.”

“That means he’s _really_ dangerous then.” said James, elbowing Peter.

Remus scoffed. “Maybe.”

“Rubbish. That’s not what I meant.” Lily said, albeit with a grin. “It’s a shame though, I wish I saw him.” She said, rocking Harry in her arms who was now playing with her long hair.

At the two men’s quizzical expressions, Remus supplied for them. “Yeah, she missed him by literal seconds.”

James and Peter exchanged disbelieving looks as Remus rolled his eyes at them.

“Oh stop it you two.” Lily chided playfully. “What happened? Did you hit it off well? Are you going to be seeing each other again?”

“I hope so.” Remus said, failing to suppress a smile. “He seemed the mysterious type.”

Lily giggled. “I forgot how exciting having a crush felt like.”

“Oi, what’s that supposed to mean?” James puffed out his chest.

“Also, _crush?”_ Remus scrunched his face. “You make it sound like I’m Harry’s age or something.”

“Fine, big boys don’t get crushes.” Lily ruffled James’ hair patronizingly. “Just know that the offer for potty training along with this little troublemaker still stands.” she raises her eyebrows.

Remus narrowed his eyes. “You play dirty, Mrs Potter.”

She responded with a devilish grin before turning away. “You big boys can go clean up while I give this smelly one a bath, alright?” she said, tickling Harry’s stomach.

As Harry’s giggles faded, they all fell into their fixed routine of Remus and Peter collecting dishes while James assumed his role at the sink.

When Remus was on his way to deliver his set of plates to James, a small black lump in the shadows under the window caught his eye. He turned his head, curious of the object, when pointy ears twitched and a pair of beady eyes gleamed back at him. Remus stopped dead in his tracks, the plates clinking loudly at his abruptness as he squinted.

“Remus?”

At the sound of Peter’s voice right behind him, Remus started and snapped his head to the direction of the window once more. He saw Peter trace his line of sight before giving him a concerned look.

“Why’re you staring at Lily’s vase like that?”

Remus released a breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding and shook his head sharply, “I could swear it looked like a dog.”

“Probably because it’s so hideously shaped.” James commented from the sink. “That was given by her sister.”

“Maybe.” Remus huffed a weak laugh, continuing his steps toward James.

“So Remus, mind telling us why you’re in need of potty training?” James grinned, glancing over his shoulder.

“Oh, god.” Remus scoffed as he made his way back to the table. “Look, I drank boat loads of tea this morning so when Lily came by, I kept leaving because I needed to piss. Happy?” he said flatly.

They both fell into a laughing fit while Remus huffed, vigorously wiping the table with a wet cloth.

Remus didn’t think their guffaws would die down any time soon but then Peter asked, looking nonplussed; “Why’d you go on a drinking spree in the morning anyway?”

“Well,” Remus slowed his movements and took a seat. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“That explains why you’re so jumpy. Everything alright?” James asked.

Peter grimaced. “Yeah you’re not usually the best company when you’re sleepless.”

“On the contrary, Pete.” James snickered, turning back to Remus. “You get really spacey. No wonder you were seeing things.” he gestured to the window.

“Right,” said Peter. “Remember that time you thought you were being followed but it was just your shado—”

 _“Yes,_ yes, alright. Shut up.” Remus rolled his eyes.

“So what _did_ happen?” James asked gently this time.

Fatherhood has really shaped James into a more reliable and mature person. As much as he missed their childish antics which was a comfort in the dreary adult world, right now this is what he knew he needed.

“Just bad dreams.”

They remained silent for a while, adjusting to the distinct seriousness in his tone. An identical look of a mixture of cautious and intrigued painted their faces.

After a moment’s hesitation, Remus recounted his dream to them in as much detail as he could remember. He initially had no plans on sharing this to anyone, afraid he’ll get judged for his weak tolerance for a simple nightmare—but James and Peter weren’t just _anyone_ … and this wasn’t a _simple_ nightmare…

“I really felt like I was dying.” Remus finished with a crooked smile.

“Shit…” said James, who was now seated across from Remus. “That’s pretty scary.”

“It’s a good thing you woke up.” added Peter.

Remus blinked. He hadn’t even thought about how fortunate he indeed had been that he was still able to wake from it. Now, he can’t help but dread going to sleep tonight, fearing that his luck had run out.

Peter continued, “You know, I’ve heard experiences like that. There’s this thing called sleep paralysis—my cousin told me about it. This is when you’re like stuck in between being awake and asleep because you’d be aware of everything but then you couldn’t move.”

“Jesus Christ, Pete.” James breathed out as Remus felt his stomach drop.

“According to my cousin, if they don’t wake it’s because they were visited by the Reaper in their sleep. But I disagree. Reapers take souls of the dead. I read that Sleep Demons are more responsible for those cases.”

“…and what _in the ever loving fuck_ do Sleep Demons do to sleeping people?” James’ effort to sound aggressive was betrayed by his small voice. He cleared his throat.

“Bugger around in your sleep, I reckon. It was a long time ago when I read this book. I just remember my cousin telling me people go days without sleeping in fear of not waking up. And that there were spooky stories of people actually dying in their sleep just so they could escape these nightmares.”

James screwed up his face, leaning back on his seat. “Great, now _I_ don’t think I could sleep tonight. Thanks a lot Peter.”

They both turned their attention to Remus who they recently just noted his strange lack of contribution to the topic that was meant for him in the first place. The person in question simply downed the last of his drink and raised his eyebrows upon sensing their stares.

“Sorry but—I’m not going to lie, it sounds a bit…” _ridiculous…_ Remus considered his words carefully. “far-fetched.” he said, shaking his head. “I’m sure this book you read is quite fascinating, Pete, but I doubt I was experiencing that paralysis thing. I mean, I _had_ been sleepwalking.” he pointed out, levelling his tone so he wouldn’t give away how utterly absurd he had truly found it.

James elbowed Peter. “There we have it, Pettigrew. It’s the opposite! Stop scaring us. _Jeez.”_ he said with a slight chuckle.

“Oh yeah, ‘cause I was _absolutely_ terrified.” Remus deadpanned at James, nodding his head.

“Shut up. We’re having this meeting for you.” James retorted, strongly resembling Lily when Harry wouldn’t eat his greens.

“Alright, Remus.” Peter acquiesced. “But I’m just saying… you don’t just almost die in a dream like that _._ I suppose you’ll have to force yourself to wake up. Set an alarm or something.”

“Sleep with someone.” James quipped. “How about that dandy you met at the bookshop?”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You make it sound like he’s old.”

“What’s he called anyway?” Peter asked.

“Sirius… Like, the star.”

James snorted. “I already don’t trust him. Who gets named after bloody stars?” Peter chuckled beside him.

“People with creative parents! Not that you’d understand, _James._ There’s fifty of your name in this street alone.”

“Say that to my face, Wolf boy!”

****

That night, Remus laid in bed with an alarm set, feeling remarkably better than he did this morning. It was his exhaustion that more or less made Peter’s ridiculous story about Demons and Reapers settle the anxiety in his brain, knowing he was at least rational enough to still be such a cynic about the supernatural. He hasn’t gone completely mad, after all.

As warranted, he slept soundly; his sore muscles heavy against the warm mattress. Remus dreamt of libraries and stargazing and a large dog that wouldn’t leave his side. He felt content, peaceful, but lonely. It didn’t take long for him to get bored. As thankful as he’d been that his life wasn’t in peril, he couldn’t help find the strong contrast of the uneventful scene to be such a _drab._ And before he knew it, he was jolted awake by the shrill ring of his alarm. Remus made sure it was the loudest, most aggravating noise so as to surely wake him—otherwise it won’t stop. Though since the night hadn’t had much to offer him, he became unsure if he wanted to continue this precaution anymore.

When Remus scrubbed his eyes open, he found dog fur all over his jumper and pyjama bottoms.

Outside the bookshop, Remus straightened his back after setting up an empty box for book donations. It's something that was done every two weeks. And even though most times it’ll end up untouched—still, it was customary.

At Remus’ lack of enthusiasm right now, he could easily hear his boss saying; “Of course passersby don’t always have a book ready. We’re simply here to let people know of our willingness to accept donations. They’ll come by when they want to, and when they do, we’re ready! _That’s_ what’s important.”

Remus returned inside and remembered his quest for books on folklore or any article that could give him a better insight on Sleep Demons. Not that Peter managed to persuade him to take caution from these silly fairy tales, he was just curious—like how he normally was to everything, which what led him to be so attached to books in the first place. And since he was tied to his workplace right now, he might as well use it to his advantage…

He was now skimming through his third book about sleeping disorders. By this point, he’s already diagnosed himself of four. Though among his discoveries were also some not-so-rare cases of people exhibiting behaviours of uncontrollable eating and even sexual activities— _while asleep._

Remus heaved a sigh, overwhelmed by the loaded information that may or may not be starting to scare him as well. It was at the prospect of losing all sense of control and not even getting any recollection of these problematic events during _or_ after.

 _It’s only self-diagnosis…_ he reasons with himself. It’s quite a good thing he lives alone too. Although there would be no telling if he indeed identifies with more of these disorders and syndromes, at least he has time to fix it himself before he gets chucked into a mental asylum _not_ on his own accord.

The last book among the pile that remains unopened was unsurprisingly the book about sleep paralysis; about hallucinations and related folklores derived from people’s experiences.

Finally, he found a passage similar to Peter’s story.

_“While the Reaper collects souls of the departed, Sleep Demons are believed to work alongside these aforementioned beings and are generally responsible for—as the name suggests—sleeping victims. Luring them to death through nightmares.”_

He proceeds to learn about how various cultures have different takes on what kind of creature would haunt the victims as well. Some say it’s a ghost or a dead body pressing down on one’s chest or throat, slowly suffocating them.

Remus could so clearly recall feeling his lungs constricted of air flow in his nightmare. A shiver ran down his spine.

Some say the entire body is restricted with a kind of bind. Some say it’s bugs covering each orifice. And some say it takes the form of an animal.

Remus felt himself pale.

_“Catalonia, a region in Spain, has a tale of the ‘Pesanta’, a black animal, often a dog or a cat…”_

The dog in his most recent dream was definitely black—

 _Knock! Knock!_ The wooden counter sounded just then.

“Hello, Remus.”

In his surprise, Remus snapped the book shut, looking up to the source of the disturbance, but then he wasn’t so sure if the sight helped alleviate or increase his nerves.

It was Sirius.

He watched the relaxed expression before him melt into one of inquiry as Remus shook his head to break his stupor. “Hey…” he responded. Then instead of discarding the book to the finished pile, Remus slid it in his maroon coat’s pocket that hung nearby. “It seems you’re always catching me off guard.” Remus chuckled slightly.

“You blush a lot when you’re surprised. It’s adorable.”

 _Sirius thought he was adorable…_ Remus had to repeat that in his brain to make sure he didn’t just imagine that sentence.

“See?” Sirius grinned, ducking his head so he could meet Remus’ downward gaze.

Remus rolled his eyes in annoyance. How dare this man render him into a flustered mess… He’s not a damn school girl with a crush! He should really up his flirting. “So, what’s your visit for this time? Just wanted to see me?” asked Remus, resting his chin on the palm of his hand as he stared at Sirius through his lashes.

But then Sirius’ simply smirked, “Yeah.”

Remus should really stop competing. Clearly, this man before him is a bloody _expert_ and it’ll only end up in embarrassment for his part.

“I hope I’m not disturbing anything?” Sirius added.

“You? Not at all.” Remus reveled in the sight of Sirius trying and failing to suppress his own grin at this. So he _does_ have an effect on this handsome flirt after all…

“Perhaps, I can steal you away for that coffee now?” Sirius suggested.

Remus deflated, “I wish I could. I still have so much to do. Since— as you can see, my ever reliable coworker is nowhere to be found.” he sighed.

“Why don’t I help?”

“Oh, no. I promise I wasn’t insinuating anything like that. It’s alright, really!” Remus waves his hands.

“I want to.” Sirius half shrugged, “I did come here for you.”

Before Remus could wrap his mind around that last part, or continue being stubborn, a thought occurred. If Sirius simply wanted to spend time with him, then who is he to deny that request? “Actually, I do need your help with something.”

“Anything.”

“Well, I need to stack boxes back the top shelves so I can make space for the deliveries before lunchtime…”

Sirius was already making his way to the other side of the counter, “Say no more, Remus. Lead the way.”

Hearing his name in Sirius’ eager voice did things to his insides, Remus discovered.

The final box was being carefully placed by Remus inside the remaining empty slot on the shelf. He was balancing himself on top of a ladder and was making sure the box wouldn’t topple precariously arranged objects on the platform.

“Thanks again for helping, Sirius.” said Remus, stealing a glance below him.

Sirius, who was holding the ladder steady, huffed a chuckle. “I honestly cannot count how many times you’ve said that since we entered this room. I told you it’s fine.”

The storage room was quaint and stuffy; the ladder taking up most of the floor space and the walls were filled with stacks of boxes and books clustered by strips of sellotape wrapping. The door was left only slightly ajar so it won’t take up more space inside, and the bit of sunlight from the crack was enough to illuminate the room.

“Don’t be dramatic. It’s only been three times… so far,” replied Remus with a sheepish grin. He began descending the steps. “Enjoying the view?” he teases instead.

“Definitely.” Sirius said in a low voice. He stepped back to give Remus more room.

Together they folded the ladder and settled it at the very corner of the cramped room. When Remus turned around, he found Sirius right behind him that he started at their proximity. His balance got tipped off and an inch more would’ve sent him crashing into the ladder, creating a domino effect to other wobbly objects in the tiny room, but Sirius' swift reflexes thankfully prevented this by gripping Remus’ waist and arm—and in turn, Remus tightly clinging onto the lapels of Sirius’ leather jacket.

The disconcerting near miss had them frozen in place, but was quickly washed away by the distracting _even smaller_ proximity they ended up in. Remus could count Sirius’ thick eyelashes right now, not even the scarce lighting could hinder this.

Remus knew he should say something, but it was quite difficult to concentrate on anything other than Sirius’ parted lips. Slowly, they inched closer. And since the light didn’t matter that much anyway, he closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of soft lips against his own.

It’s like he was being drowned with want the more their lips moved together in thrilling synchronicity. But before he could fully sink into the tide, Remus used all of his remaining self-restraint to pull back and offer a curious, tentative glance at Sirius—silently checking for confirmation.

The response Remus received however, was the hard wall against his back as Sirius pinned him there. There was a certain glint in his eye. It was like watching the last of Sirius’ own temperance evaporate before him. Remus sensed danger yet felt nothing but elation to what awaits him.

He could swear he heard Sirius actually _growl_ before taking his mouth again, this time in feverish greed. It was all biting and claiming and marking. Remus could only whimper and wind his arms around those broad shoulders, his fingers in the silky strands just above.

If it was difficult to concentrate before, it was _impossible_ now. Remus struggled to catch his breath as soon as Sirius freed his lips and only because it was right next to his ear had he managed to make out the faint whisper of, “If I’d known this was just what it takes…”

Remus bit his lip to stifle whatever noise that threatened to escape his throat. Sirius brushed his thumb against the swollen flesh then—

_“CRASH!”_

They sprung apart, heads turning to the violent noise. Now that Remus’ brain got jumpstarted into working once more, he recognized the noise come from outside the shop. Their eyes met.

“I’m sorry. I-I have to…” Remus waited for Sirius to release him before backing away.

Sirius gave a calm smile as Remus opened the door. He already turned away when he heard a response that sounded like _"I’ll be…"_

‘there’ or ‘here’, Remus was too far off to go back so he continued his steps instead, curious about the occurrence but mostly annoyed at its impeccable timing.

With wide strides, Remus turned to the side of the shop’s entrance and saw the donation box perfectly flipped over. He picked it up and returned it, doing a double take so it would have needed more than a strong breeze to send it crashing like that again.

Just then, “Hey Remus!” James’ voice called from behind him as he heard footsteps nearing. “All right there, mate?”

“Yeah, stupid box won’t stay put.” Remus replied, facing James and smiling at Harry who was bundled up in a thick scarf in the latter’s arms. “What’s up?”

James looked down at Harry. “You have something for your uncle Remus there, bud?”

“Rem—” Harry said, his little arms struggling to unwrap himself from the thick scarf around his whole tiny body.

Laughing, Remus and James delightfully assisted. The thick scarf turned out to be a beige cardigan. _His_ in particular. “Oh. Thank you, Harry.” He ruffled the toddler’s already messy hair who was beaming at him, before turning to the father. “How…?”

James shrugged, rocking Harry slightly in the process. “You left it the last time you visited and well, I forgot to return it yesterday.”

“Right.” Remus nodded, flinging the cardigan over his arm. “Thanks.”

“Remus!” Harry babbled, reaching out.

Remus grinned, playing with Harry’s fingers. He could never forget the first time Harry learned to say his name, how James threw a tantrum since it took longer for the child to learn his. Remus had to console him by saying _‘it’s because Harry already had an idea how to do it so of course it was much easier for him.’_

“Busy?” James then asked.

“ _Was_ busy. Now I’m just slightly less busy.” Remus paused as a thought occurred. “You?”

“Remus…” Harry replied. James laughed and gestured to his son.

Remus smiled. “I want you to meet someone.”

“Sirius?” he called to the empty bookshop. Most patrons don’t show up until late afternoon, especially since it’s a weekday, so making much noise didn’t worry him. But then no one answered. He checked inside the storage room and found it deserted as well. “Huh…”

James and Harry stared at him expectantly from the other side of the counter.

“I guess he left.” he said blankly, feeling a bit hurt. Was Sirius put off because _he_ left? Remus furrowed his brows. _Not even letting him know at least?_

“Remus?” Harry’s tiny voice called.

Remus snapped out of his spiral and smiled up at Harry then James. “Maybe… maybe he went for coffee. He did promise me one.”

“Mate,” James began.

“Or he’s shy.” Remus interrupted. “I’m fine, James. Don’t look at me like that.”

If James’ arms were free, Remus reckons they would’ve been raised in surrender right now. “Alright.” he steadied his loosening grip on Harry. “Do you want us to wait for him or…?” he offered Remus to finish for him.

“It’s okay. You can go. Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay.” Harry blurted, to which James and Remus looked at him in surprise.

“That’s right, son.” cooed James, before turning back to Remus. “Take it easy, yeah? If you need anything…”

“Yeah, I know.” Remus fixed a smile on his face. “Thanks, mate.”

James smiled back, “Say bye-bye to uncle Remus now, Harry.”

“Dada.” Harry glanced at James then waved to Remus. “Bye-bye!”

Remus watched them exit the place before his waving hand and happy façade fell.

_Sirius left without even a word. After what just happened…_

Remus took a deep breath to calm himself down. It’s fine. It’ll be a while for the ache to go away but at least he wasn’t that attached to the idea of something deeper and intimate happening between them yet. It certainly could be worse.

Or maybe he _will_ come back…

Remus shook his head. He didn’t need to be this desperate after _one_ kiss, whatever his brain might tell him. Even if it _was_ special, it might be just on Remus anyway.

So he proceeded with his day avoiding these thoughts entirely.

It wasn’t until evening when he saw Sirius again. Remus cursed himself for instantly feeling joy instead of resentment at the man's arrival. He ended his shift earlier than usual and had just walked out of the shop. Remus set an impassive expression as Sirius approached him— _not even carrying any cup of coffee_ like Remus would’ve at least expected.

“Hello Remus,” Sirius said in a husky voice, whispering in Remus’ ear before leaning back to watch the blush creep to the brunet’s cheeks. Remus _could_ blame the temperature, but knew it wouldn’t pass as anything but pathetic. 

“Where’ve you been?” he asked in a light tone, beginning to walk. He was determined not to let it show how much thinking about Sirius affected his entire day.

Sirius followed suit, though his eyes never left Remus’ face. “Sorry about that. I went to get coffee but something came up so I never had the chance to explain. I hope you’re not too upset.”

“’s fine.” Remus lied.

Sirius surveyed him for a moment. “You sure?”

Remus heaved a sigh. Sirius' eyes traced the small cloud that formed from his breath. “Yes.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Remus replied, “Sure, whatever. I’ve just had a long day.”

“You’re clearly pissed.”

Remus kept his gaze forward. “Well spotted.”

“So you _are_ upset…”

He had spent the entire day bottling this up so needless to say, it wasn’t going to take much to contain himself longer. “Maybe I am, it doesn’t matter. What’re you gonna do about it anyway.” His tone was thick with sarcasm. Remus paused, collecting himself. He was about to apologize or take it back, but then he felt a tug on his wrist as he was pulled into a deserted alley nearby. Sirius was back to pinning him against a wall and his heart raced at Sirius’ fiery gaze.

“This.”

And before Remus knew it, Sirius was devouring his lips again. He completely ignored his brain telling him to push the weight away as he begrudgingly surrendered, whining as he opened up to Sirius’ prodding tongue.

He felt hands on his thigh and jaw as Sirius dove to invade his neck this time. “Sirius, ha—” he was cut off by Sirius sucking on a spot just below his earlobe, and then he was back on Remus’ lips again, not giving him a chance to recover. The hand on his thigh crawled to the small of his back, then slowly, made its way downward.

Remus gasped, involuntarily bucking his hips forward from the tight grip on his arse, but then his crotch only met with Sirius’ firm hips, causing him to moan. He quickly caught himself, throwing his head back on the wall to avoid Sirius’ intense stare that did not help him in finding his control _at all._ Sirius licked a stripe up his neck and Remus shivered before he finally relented, pushing Sirius’ chest ever so slightly. “Sirius, wait.”

He leaned back. It was possibly the lack of lighting, but Remus could tell Sirius’ pupils were blown wide, the sliver in there barely a thin lining. “What do you want, Remus?” he whispered.

Remus struggled to process the question presented to him as he simply gaped in response.

“Remus,” Sirius spoke again and waited for their eyes to meet. “Tell me. What you do want.” It was more a demand than a question this time.

Remus’ brain seemed to stop functioning as he could only answer, “You.”

Sirius hummed approvingly, tilting his head forward, his lips hovering above Remus; teasing. But then he stepped back entirely, his hands entwining with Remus’.

It felt like the haze slowly left along with Sirius as Remus blinked to adjust his vision in the distant streetlight. He was definitely hard.

“Come with me.”

The words broke Remus’ stupor. “I— _what?”_

“You heard me.” Sirius replied. “Come with me, Remus.”

Remus was sure he resembled a fish right now. “Where?” he sputtered.

There was a beat then Sirius shrugged. “Away,” he simply said. Remus waited if there was more to it but Sirius only tugged his hand. “Remus.”

Remus stared at him, looking for any hint of mischief, only to retreat empty-handed. “Sirius…” he breathed out, “This is all going too fast.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t just leave!” Remus threw his hands in the air.

Sirius frowned for the first time since meeting Remus, “Why?”

“Because I have a life here, that’s why.”

Sirius seemed to consider this. “Am I not part of it?”

“I… I don’t know.” Remus widened the space between them.

“I thought this was what you wanted?” Sirius just sounded utterly perplexed.

Remus turned to face away from Sirius. “Yes…” And it scared him how much he actually meant it. “but you’re asking too much of me. I can’t, Sirius.”

“Can’t? or _won’t?”_

Remus snapped his gaze behind him, but before he could do or say anything, he realised he was now alone.

***

Remus grumbled himself to sleep that night, his mind reeling from the troublesome events that kept replaying in his head. He shouldn’t be filled with guilt. He had every right to react the way he did. Everything was just overwhelming and ridiculously fast-paced, it probably would’ve been a lot more questionable if Remus _didn’t_ freak out; Sirius shows up randomly, _knows his name,_ disappears suddenly, snogs him senseless and then asks Remus to run away with him—all in a span of two days. Who could blame him for being too alarmed at the invitation? They only just met yesterday! He doesn’t even say anything about himself. Does he work nearby? What does he do? _Who is he?_ He leaves with no promise, so will he even still return? And if he does, will he just ask him to leave everything behind? His friends who are family by this point?

Yet here Remus laid on his bed, feeling nothing but regret for turning the offer down.

The next morning, Remus was unsure if he dreamt of anything because as soon as his eyes opened, he thought of Sirius and remembered why his chest felt heavy.

He sat up, cursing himself for being so hung up on someone he barely even knew. When Remus glanced below him, he noticed a particular tent in his boxers. He gave it a few lazy strokes but couldn’t will himself to continue for a while, knowing his mind was clouded with nothing but thoughts about Sirius. His eyes, his strong hands, his long fingers, his firm hips, and his beautiful mouth—how they’d all feel against his skin, how _he’d_ look writhing under Remus’ hold.

The euphoria was as momentary as his depraved orgasm. It was quickly replaced by unnerving guilt and dread to the rest of his day. He felt sick, but he sucked it up for the slight chance of turning things around in the twelve hours he’s supposed to spend outside.

And so he used those twelve long hours at the bookshop surveying every face.

But Sirius didn’t show up.

****

It had been two days—three if today counted, since he met Sirius and he never once left Remus’ mind. Remus was beginning to question himself thoroughly. Was he the problem? Why couldn’t he just move on?

He was answered by a knock on the door.

Remus groaned. He wasn’t in the mood to entertain visitors at the moment. He closed his eyes, planning to just wait it out but the knocks only persisted, so—heaving a sigh, Remus clambered over to the door and felt his breath leave his lungs at the sight before him.

_“Sirius?”_

He invited himself inside while the owner could only stand there slack-jawed. Using his finger, Sirius closed Remus’ mouth which startled Remus to close the door behind him. “Wha… How—?” he stammered.

“Missed me?” Sirius smirked, spinning before slumping down on the couch Remus previously sat and patted the space next to it.

Remus’ could only follow, his eyes never once leaving Sirius. “I have so many questions…”

Sirius’ arm that was resting on the back of the couch reached out to play with Remus’ curls above his ear. “Did you miss me, Remus?” he purred.

“I… I thought you’d left.” Remus protested faintly.

To his surprise and utter bewilderment, Sirius scoffed. “What? That’s outrageous!” He crossed his legs on the couch, properly facing Remus. “Why would you think that? Silly Remus…” Sirius shook his head.

This did the exact opposite of placating Remus’ rancor. “Well, you _were_ talking about leaving last time! You even wanted me to go with you but I refused and…” his volume began decreasing with each word, “you didn’t show up at all since then so I thought…” In his avoidance to look at Sirius so as to not get distracted from his point, Remus failed to note the latter slowly scooting closer until a leg hooked around his.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

With great difficulty, Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius’ magnetic stare. He sighed helplessly. “You can’t keep doing this to me, Sirius.”

A hand was placed on top of Remus’ fidgety ones. “Look I’m sorry, Remus.” Another hand turned his head to face Sirius. “I’ll be good to you now.” his round eyes were unblinking as he said this. “Trust me.”

Remus breathed out a weak chuckle. “How?”

“By letting me take care of you.” Sirius said in barely a whisper, leaning in and kissing Remus’ lips softly, threading his nimble fingers through the mess of tawny curls. His other hand grabbed Remus’ arm and guided it to his own waist.

Feeling himself melt at the relief of finally being this close to Sirius again is how he concluded that he was officially too gone for this man slowly claiming Remus’ very soul through his intoxicating tongue and fingers. It was daunting as it was satiating.

Then Sirius was pulling Remus forward as he ended up lying down on the couch entirely with Remus pressing him there. Sirius locked him in place by hooking his ankles behind Remus’ hips. And while Remus focused on steadying himself, Sirius thrusted upwards connecting their groins together _once_ —as if only giving him a taste.

At this abrupt contact, Remus choked out a sinful moan, feeling Sirius’ hardness meet his own. He dove back down to Sirius’ neck, sucking and littering kisses while Sirius elicited a throaty chuckle beneath him. He sat up to peel his cardigan off his shoulders but Sirius swatted his hand away to do it for him.

“I’ll take care of you,” he insisted, taking the cardigan and Remus' shirt.

Remus watched in awe while Sirius undressed himself this time. As soon as the latter noticed, he slowed his movements and locked eyes with Remus, purposefully giving him a show. Remus felt himself drool at the sight of lean muscles flexing as Sirius wiggled around. He could easily get off by the scene alone. When Sirius was finally free of clothes, Remus took in his whole naked body—legs spread apart, hair fanning around his face, and his thick gorgeous cock flushed red. Remus relished in his fantasy come to life in front of him for a while before his focus was then pulled back by Sirius unzipping his pants.

Just the insinuation made Remus’ head spin and his dick twitch in anticipation but he held Sirius’ wrist, stopping him.

Sirius' mouth opened, no doubt to demand his permission but then Remus cut him off by saying, “Hands above your head.” He could see Sirius was slightly taken aback before his grin broadened as he then complied. Remus decided to reward his obedience by kissing his lips roughly, biting Sirius’ lower lip, his hand crawling downward to wrap around Sirius’ exposed cock. At the sudden squeeze, Sirius gasped and moaned in Remus’ mouth, bucking his hips for more friction.

With one last kiss, Remus pulled back, though his hand remained stroking Sirius. “So pretty,” He mused while his other hand rose, dipping two of his fingers inside Sirius’ panting mouth. “Suck for me, love.”

Sirius wasted no time licking and spitting and sucking, his eyes never leaving Remus as he did so. Remus groaned, pulling out to replace his dry hand to wank Sirius with slick from his own mouth. After admiring Sirius’ blissed out expression, he lowered himself down and closed his lips around Sirius’ throbbing cock. He swirled his tongue around the smooth head, licking at its slit in a tantalizing pace and tasting the bitter cream as he drowned in Sirius’ musk.

“Ah, Remus…” Sirius moaned, controlling his hips as Remus slowly took his length to the back of his throat. _“Please.”_

Remus chuckled, savouring his power over Sirius for once as he swallowed hard. He bobbed his head a few more times with his hand twisting around the base and sunk back in, fighting his gag reflex, he ran his tongue through its thick veins as he retreated to curl around the tip. He pulled off with a soft _pop._ The obscene sound of him slurping his drool blended with Sirius’ whimpering echoed in the room. “Use your words, Sirius.” he smirked.

“I want…” Sirius panted, “Let me touch you.”

 _God, he’s so perfect._ Remus surged forward to place an open-mouthed kiss to Sirius, his tongue reaching in as much as it can before he broke off, “Only because you asked so nicely.”

Sirius’ hands were instantly palming his neglected cock. Remus watched Sirius’ skillful fingers unbutton his jeans while never stilling its movements. He bucked his hips upwards and clenched his fists at Sirius’ soft hair, whining loudly at the depravity. Sirius quickly removed him from his remaining clothing and swung a leg to straddle Remus with a hand on the latter’s shoulder to steady him. He grinded their slick cocks together and they both moaned in unison. Sirius then wrapped his other hand around both and began stroking fervently, burying his face in Remus' neck, biting there. Remus reached down to firmly grasp Sirius’ arse and they stayed like that for a while, relying on Sirius gyrating, sharp gasps and whines filling the air until he stopped, repositioning himself.

Remus’ concern was slightly raised thinking Sirius had grown uncomfortable but immediately felt all thoughts fly out the window as Sirius’ hole grazed his own dripping cock. As he struggled for breath, preparing himself, Sirius fully sat on his cock without warning, forcing a cry out of Remus. He was completely engulfed in warm tightness, dizzy with lust, as he felt himself bottom out beneath Sirius sooner than he expected.

But then Sirius—impatient as ever—already began remorselessly moving his hips in harsh thrusts, driving Remus wild, his filthy cries never ceasing. It was the most vulgar sound Remus had ever allowed himself to make, but he’s lost all control by this point, he could only take what Sirius gave him.

“Glad you enjoyed your share of dominance.” Sirius taunted, biting Remus’ jaw as he rolled his hips before pulling back and slamming down with a loud slap from their skins.

 _“Ahhh… Si-Sirius…”_ Remus tightened his grip on Sirius’ arse, mostly to ground himself as he arched his back, his head spinning from the overwhelming heat and friction.

Sirius’ hands landed on both of Remus’ cheeks to make him meet his own gaze. “Use your words, Remus.”

As much as he wanted to wipe that stupid smirk off that arrogantly handsome face, Remus was fighting a losing battle here. Words were already a stretch for his brain as he was reduced to nothing but a whimpering, babbling mess. Sirius let out a low condescending chuckle, kissing Remus softly on the lips as he continued to fuck himself on Remus’ cock.

Mustering all of his remaining knack for coherency, Remus choked out, “How ar— _hhhnggh,_ how’re you… taking this… so well? God, Sirius.” It’s like he was made for this; his movements are just unrelenting. Remus doesn’t ever recall Sirius stretching or lubing himself up but everything was smooth and lithe and so maddeningly _hot._

“I told you I’ll be good to you.” Remus' eyes were shut but he could picture Sirius winking at this statement. He felt hands running up and down his heaving chest. Then if possible, Sirius quickened his movements even more, twisting and rocking himself, grinding his hips back and forth as Remus felt his orgasm building up.

 _“Ah, ah, ah… Sirius.”_ His jaw slacked and his hands reached to Sirius’ face, pulling him down to crash their lips together, though they couldn’t manage to deepen it much further with Sirius’ erratic squirming and Remus’ sobbing.

Remus was briefly brought back to earth by thumbs swiping his sensitive nipples and he screamed, wrenching his eyes open. Sirius nosed Remus’ jaw and trailed downwards to bite and suck on his clavicle before licking to soothe the area, making Remus’ head spin.

Sirius continued to bounce on Remus’ leaking cock and for the second time, Remus sputtered, “C-can I—?” he sucked in a breath. “Inside…”

“Give it to me, Remus.” Sirius grunted, his hips stilling, stopping halfway. _“Show me you're mine,”_ he whispered, breathless and barely audible for Remus' lust-blown brain.

The way his name was said in such a desperate keen was enough to send Remus over the edge. He took the signal and clutched onto the other man’s now pliant waist, pounding harshly until he spilled himself into Sirius with one final blissful cry. It took a while for him to recover from his most intense orgasm that lasted longer than he could ever prepare himself for but Sirius was already at his lips once more, licking and nipping at his mouth. Something about this kiss felt profoundly intimate, especially with Sirius still sitting on his softening cock.

Remus’ heavy eyelids were drooping when he mumbled through his raspy throat, “Stay with me.”

“If you would with me.” He ran his fingers through Remus’ forehead up his disheveled wavy hair, massaging the scalp.

“I will.” Remus breathed out, tightening his arms around Sirius’ waist and resting his head on the latter’s shoulder, nuzzling his neck.

Sirius’ voice by his ear was suddenly stern when he said, “Promise me, Remus.”

“I promise you.” Remus said lastly before his vision faded into nothing.

When Remus opened his eyes, he was alone. And on his… bed?

Sitting up, Remus observed his room, a hand rising to his neck. Had it all been a dream? He certainly did not recall falling asleep on his bed. Did Sirius carry him here? If so, where is he? _Is he gone again?_ Did last night even _happen?_

Remus hastily collected his thoughts, retracing each detail as much he could while roaming his flat for any sort of hint from the previous event. But then as usual, everything was spotless—a bit too incongruously, in fact, not a single mark was on his own body that showed traces of literally any activity as well, _not even sleeping._ Remus was not a light sleeper by any means. This was exactly like when he woke up from his nightmare. But he was at least certain he hadn’t been sleepwalking this time, he was _tucked_ in bed, after all.

He tried ignoring the voice that told him it had all been too good to be true—but it was to no avail. It made perfect sense… He _had_ wanted so badly to talk to Sirius again, anything to reassure him that their former row at the alley didn’t matter. That the idea of Sirius leaving Remus was _outrageous._ Hearing Sirius make him promise to stay was too precise to be plainly coincidental. Had it really just been his subconscious playing tricks on him?

But then Remus’ mind cleared as he finally discovered a flaw in the scene. His cardigan.

It was missing from his things. If last night truly happened, Sirius would know where it is. That is, if Sirius truly hadn’t left. Though in his frantic desperation, Remus was willing to gamble on even the faintest possibility that Sirius’ promise wasn’t just a fabrication from his own subliminal desires.

On the matter of _how_ he plans to confirm that… well, that’s where he might have to resort to improvisation _,_ which was typically reserved for desperate occasions—exactly like this.

****

“Remus, hi!”

Remus halted his steps on the pavement, turning to where he heard Lily’s voice call him. Lily looked taken aback upon meeting his distracted gaze for a bit, as she then approached.

“I was just wondering how you’re doing… You seemed very upset yesterday.” she spoke gently.

After a moment of reflecting on her question, Remus shook his head. “Fine.” he waved a dismissive hand. “I just… really need to see Sirius.” he gave a tight-lipped smile.

At this, Lily’s face contorted into a mixture of discomfort and pity. “About that…” she took a deep breath and fiddled with her hair, “About… Sirius…”

Remus’ eyes snapped up to hers in apprehension. That look was all too familiar. He could see it in James the last time they met.

Lily closed her mouth and appeared to be in a mental debate whether she should proceed to ask the implied question out loud or not. And then, her expression relaxed as she made her decision. “Are you sure you’ve been getting enough sleep lately?”

He was already irked even before the insinuation was voiced out. “What are you saying?” his tone was flat.

“Remus,” she sighed. “We’re worried about you.”

Remus narrowed his eyes. “Because of Sirius?”

“Well,” Lily paused, blinking, “is it?” she raised her eyebrows.

Remus felt himself recoil from her piercing stare. “Why would it be?”

“So you _are_ aware of it being strange…”

“Of what?” he replied, shoving his hands in his coat’s pockets.

“Remus, you and I both know you’re smarter than this.” Lily crossed her arms around her chest. “This mysterious Sirius you’re always on about. Don’t you think it’s a bit dodgy how we’ve never seen him? Not a glimpse… at all?”

“It’s a _coincidence.”_

Lily looked completely unconvinced as she held her gaze for a moment, before acquiescing; her expression—resigned. “So? You’re about to see him today?”

Suddenly, confiding with his friends about Sirius didn’t appeal to him anymore. He was mostly glad Lily stopped pushing with her suspicion, despite it strongly suggesting something offensive. “Yeah.” he replied simply, making it clear he was already dropping the subject.

Just then, Remus’ left hand brushed against something solid in his pocket and he pulled it out. “I just remembered.” he displayed the item between them, “Have you heard from Peter? I’ve been meaning to give this to him.”

Sighing in defeat, Lily breathed out, “You were always stubborn.” she glanced at him knowingly. “No, I haven’t seen him either. Why, what is that?”

“A fantasy folklore book,” he said. “It’s been in my coat for a while now. Will you pass it to him if you get the chance? I doubt crossing paths will be much more likely than you or James might, you know?”

Lily examined the book for a while. “Alright.” she said, taking it from his hands.

“Thanks.” he smiled curtly. “I really have to go, though.” Remus pointed to the direction of the bookshop.

She nodded. “Please take care of yourself, Remus. Don’t overstress, alright? Taking breaks helps you think better, really.”

“Do I look _that_ sleepless?” he teased.

Lily huffed a small chuckle. “No. I just know you too well,” she said as she began backing away as well.

Remus smiled sheepishly. “Stop worrying too much. I’m not one of your children.”

“And due to that fact, you are an utter mess, Remus Lupin.”

“See you ‘round, Lils,” he laughed, waving lastly to her.

The bookshop was still quite empty after a while since arriving. It gave Remus all the time to deliberate his conviction as Lily’s words slowly got to him. Maybe it really is his lack of sleep that’s making his brain over-analyze things. He was back to assuming the worst… What if he _had_ been imagining everything? Maybe he’s been falling asleep at random times—dreaming a lot more often than he should. And that he’s just become so desperate for his dreams to be a reality that he’s been convincing himself all this time that it really did happen… But then his itch to just wander around for a while in the hopes of running into Sirius like he was some rare magical creature was also driving him equally as mad. This just brings him back to his early morning spiral.

It was then when the doors gave a lively little jingle, startling Remus as he perked up in attention to find the exact man he had been stressing about padding towards him with an air of inappropriate casualness. “Sirius!” Remus dashed to meet him halfway. _“Where the hell were you?”_

The corners of Sirius’ lips tugged upwards. “I’m here.” His arms rose to caress Remus’ shoulders soothingly. “All right, Remus?”

“You were gone! I thought I’d never see you again, and then I thought I did but then…” he paused, taking a deep breath. “Sirius… did you really visit me last night?”

“Remus, wha—?”

“Please just answer the question.” What his tone lacked in expression, his eyes compensated—pleading. Remus held his breath as Sirius ran his fingers over his own jaw and cheek, then cupped it.

“Of course I did,” he replied earnestly. Remus sagged in relief, leaning into Sirius’ touch. “Did you forget?” Sirius murmured. It was thankfully said in a jovial manner, Remus felt himself relax more but still couldn’t afford to banter.

“You said you’d stay.” Remus tried not to sound too petulant.

Sirius pecked a kiss on his forehead. “And I did.” he said. Remus closed his eyes and sighed, returning to his post behind the counter while Sirius leaned on it from the other side. “What is it, Remus?” Sirius prompted, noting the latter’s constraint.

Chewing his bottom lip, Remus wondered for a while _where_ he wanted to begin. “I thought I just dreamt it, you know.” he confessed, massaging his forehead.

“It was that good?”

Remus’ glare at the smirking Sirius didn’t last. “It’s not funny!” he said, even more annoyed at having to suppress a grin. “You almost had me panicking, you arsehole. I was just relying on my missing cardigan for proof. Thought maybe you’d have it or something.”

Chin tipping upwards, Sirius said, “You mean that one?”

He traced Sirius’ line of sight behind him and lo and behold, his beige cardigan lay in a corner all bundled up—the only thing out of place among the tidy shelves. Remus racked his brain for any memory of him actually wearing this last night. Had he been thinking of a different cardigan all this time?

Sirius pulled him out of his thoughts by calling his name. Gaze still unfocused, Remus replied, “So, last night really happened?”

“You know, I’d be offended if only you didn’t look absolutely clueless right now.” Sirius reached out to ruffle Remus’ hair as if petting a puppy.

“Oh I’d hate to see you get offended while I try not to think about being just a one-night stand.” he bit back in well-practised sarcasm.

This quickly sobered up Sirius from his playful mood as a slight pout formed on his lips. “Remus, I don’t do that. And especially not with you. You’re too important.”

“Did you even come?” Remus blurted.

It took a second for Sirius to understand. “Yeah, right after you—Bloody hell Remus, you’re really not remembering anything!”

Dreary as it was, Remus cannot shake this heavy weight off his chest, even with Sirius’ efforts to lighten the conversation. The darker-haired man might have sensed this so he pressed on, “What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Remus shook his head, wearing a thin smile. “I’m just confused.”

“Unhappy?”

“No, no.” Remus replied firmly. “Just confused. I’m not sure if some things actually happened, and those that do, I don’t even remember.” 

“Well, I can assure you last night did happen.” Sirius placed his hand above Remus’. “That’s enough for now, right?”

Remus squeezed his hand but the crease between his brows remained. “But you leave.”

“I come back.” Sirius calmly retorted.

“For how long, Sirius? You keep disappearing suddenly, doing God knows what.”

Sirius rubbed soothing circles with his thumb. “Shh, I’ll stay now, yeah?”

Remus was getting riled the more Sirius treated him like an overly-attached child, but he tucked it away in favour of getting his point across. “You said that last night…”

“Because I did.”

“—and yet you were missing this morning. Sirius, come on…” his shoulders slumped.

Sirius hopped over the counter with lithe swiftness and rested both his hands on Remus’ face. “But I’m here.” he pressed a kiss on Remus’ lips ever so softly, “And I’m staying, if that’s what you really want.” The smile that followed melted any bitterness left within Remus. It was simply blinding. It was probably the softest expression he’s ever seen on Sirius. Remus knew he could never hold much contempt to such a rare scene.

“No, look, I don’t want to force you. And it’s not that I’m being clingy or anything, I’d just really appreciate it if you give me a head’s up if you’re leaving.” Sirius kissed him again, and with it comes the vestiges of Remus’ resentment. “Or at least tell me what you’re up to all the time…” he was grinning now, lost in a daze. Remus mostly spewed these words out of his brain, unable to concentrate on anything with Sirius gradually pressing down his whole body against Remus.

“I’ll stay.” Sirius whispered, pushing them forward a bit more until Remus’ back hit the counter behind him. “You like that, right?” And again, he pressed a chaste kiss on Remus’ lips.

“Yeah, okay.” Remus breathed out, feeling drunk on Sirius' lips and initiated the kiss this time. He felt Sirius smile into the kiss before deepening it, hands running up and down Remus’ waist and neck, while his own twisted along Sirius’ hair and back.

Eventually, and reluctantly, Remus pulled away, flushed and no doubt lips as swollen as Sirius’. His chest fluttered at Sirius’ disappointed expression. “Someone might walk in.” Remus smiled as he tucked the other man’s hair behind his ear. “And I’m technically on-duty.” he whispered.

“Right.” said Sirius, releasing Remus from his hold but placed one last kiss before the latter turned to make sure they were still truly alone. “Though I don’t really feel like leaving right now.” he hugged Remus from behind instead, chin propped on one shoulder. Remus chuckled and rested a hand on Sirius’ arms.

“Mind if I stick around?” Sirius muttered by his ear as he pecked a kiss on Remus’ neck.

“Hmm…” Remus pretended to be in thought and shrugged with his unoccupied shoulder, “I suppose my boss wouldn’t mind. He rarely visits anyway.” He felt Sirius’ arms tighten around his waist and he smiled at the comforting gesture.

In no way was Remus fully convinced this would last, but he allowed himself to simply take delight in the promising revelation of Sirius actually staying this time despite the presented opportunity. Ever since Lily spelled it out earlier, he had to admit Sirius’ sudden and “coincidental” disappearances were indeed suspicious. He wants nothing more than to surrender his trust to Sirius, but he was also well aware this drive must have been mostly established on prejudices over his growing affections for the man.

Moments like these, Remus couldn’t help but feel like he’s holding his breath with the inevitability of Sirius disappearing—about to leave him even more confused and alone than he already was. For now, he could only hope this will last long enough.

****

There was a constant ringing along with the throbbing in his head. Remus reckons it’s the side effect of his consecutive sleepless state. Sirius’ presence helped a great deal in distracting him from this. He joked around, making snarky comments about books, even assisting Remus’ cataloging and then cuddling up to him when it gets too boring.

He was in the middle of combing Sirius’ hair when he let out a yawn. Sirius got up from his lap and examined him. “Why don’t you get some sleep for a while?” he asked gently.

Through heavy eyelids, Remus chuckled and shook his head. “Don’t be silly. I can’t doze off here.”

“I’ll watch the place, don’t worry. How hard can it be?” he replied with a shrug.

Remus was about to question Sirius’ nonchalance when it dawned on him exactly why. Looking up and around, he finally paid attention to the bookstore and how it was still empty apart from them. Sure it was a weekday morning, but Remus couldn’t help finding it a bit odd. He couldn't even busy himself with cleaning or tidying since the place was simply spotless. Remus pondered to the last time he dusted the books. It wasn't exactly something he was particular with, but after scanning the shelves and the floors, he began questioning if he truly had been a neatfreak the entire time but just subconsciously. His attempt to voice this out however, got interrupted by the intermittent ringing that suddenly amplified right before subsiding again.

“Did you hear that?” he jolted, a hand on his ear. Sirius merely tilted his head, a look of curiosity and mild concern etched on his face. “It sounds like an alarm…?” said Remus, identifying a faint buzzing with the distant shrill noise. He felt Sirius’ stare as he glanced everywhere.

“Your phone?”

His hand had just been in his pockets. “No, I checked it.”

“You must’ve set it to repeat accidentally.”

Perplexed, Remus frowned. It certainly sounded like his alarm. It wasn’t Sirius’, otherwise he’d already told him. But at the same time, it wouldn’t make sense how it continued even after seeing his phone clear of any notification.

He paused his searching and concentrated. It seemed to be coming from nowhere but everywhere at the same time. He knew this sound too well… Despite his reluctance, he never canceled this precaution. Remus has dealt with this unrelenting noise to know this was exactly what he was hearing right now. After all, he made sure his alarm won’t stop until…

“Have I not woken up?” Remus scoffed. He was about to laugh his sarcasm off but felt the mirth subside. “How long have I been sleeping?” his voice dropped in a grave tone. Absurd was a terrible understatement for his question, but seeing Sirius not even react that much to it was even more unsettling.

Sirius didn’t do much but blink. “What do you mean?” his calmness was vaguely eerie. Remus tried to rationalize the situation but the absence of emotion from Sirius’ features didn’t help alleviate his rising panic.

He finally decided to ask the question that has been looming in his head for quite some time now; what he’d sorely been avoiding to dwell on, what he dreaded the most in not even finding out the answer but knowing he was right to ask in the first place.

 _“Are you real?”_ Remus’ shaky voice whispered in the air.

Silence stretched longer than necessary that Remus was forced to face Sirius again. “What makes you think otherwise?” Still, Sirius’ voice was calm.

“Because it makes sense…” The more Remus thought about it, the stronger his conviction became. He stood up. “You’re too perfect. Everything is!” he gestured to the place with open arms.

Tilting his head, Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Listen to yourself. You’re getting upset because nothing is wrong? Oh Remus…” he clicked his tongue disapprovingly—patronizingly.

“Yes! That’s exactly the problem! I feel like I’m in a loop! Like everything is conveniently arranged! Every detail here is designed to make me feel things!” he exclaimed, turning to the cardigan in the corner.

“What things?”

“I don’t know!” Remus threw his hands in the air. “There always seems to be a purpose. Nothing is coincidental…” As he sighed, he trailed his gaze back to Sirius and that’s when it clicked. “Not even—no, _especially_ you. You always show up and disappear in the weirdest of times. But it isn’t, is it? It’s all on purpose. You make sure my friends don’t ever meet you! That when I wake up you won’t be there so I look for you!”

Sirius’ smile didn’t reach his eyes. “You need rest.”

 _“No I don’t!”_ Remus cried. “This is a dream and I’m still asleep! You’re not real…” his chest tightened. “Please tell me what is really happening here. Who— _what_ are you? And don’t continue to give me bullshit, Sirius, I already got you cornered.”

The silence that followed was excruciating. Remus’ stomach turned from the heavy tension in the air as his distressed but steady gaze darted between Sirius’ unreadable ones. No sound could be heard this time apart from Remus’ short breaths in anticipation for the response.

But nothing would’ve ever prepared him for the sight of Sirius’ impassive expression breaking into one of absolute elation as he cackled, throwing his head back and slapping his forehead.

Remus finally discerned the weird churning in his gut. It was fear. Witnessing Sirius _truly_ come undone in front of him was downright paralysing. The sound of his manic laughter bouncing off the walls was sure to haunt his mind forever. 

When it subsided Sirius rolled his eyes, “Fine!” he let out an exasperated sigh. “God, I’m not sure if I fucked it up too bad or you’re just too damn smart.” Sirius tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. “Well? I thought you already put it together? You even read about me.”

Robbed of the ability to think or feel or _move_ , Remus could only shift his eyes toward the astronomy book they bonded over back when they first met which was helpfully stationed within his peripheral vision.

“No, not that.”

Remus snapped his gaze to Sirius, not expecting the latter to have been watching his movements but more so about knowing what he was even looking for. His hand then crawled to his coat that hung nearby and felt nothing but empty pockets.

“Bingo!” Sirius exclaimed, startling Remus once more. “I have to say, it was quite entertaining… Though as usual, humans’ve just barely scratched the surface.” Sirius wore a subtle smirk and sauntered toward him, never breaking eye contact.

Remus tore his gaze away, overwhelmed. His hands grasped fistfuls of his hair as the world seemed to shift along with the unraveling of the reality he had simply been turning a blind eye on. The shortness of breath made him lose his voice, “You… you’re a…” but the words caught in his throat upon hearing a particularly loud _bark_. He turned behind him and saw a huge black dog instead. Remus froze in place as it nuzzled his leg for a while before it morphed back into Sirius, who now stood right in front of him.

“Correct again!” said Sirius despite Remus not having finished his sentence. “You’re so smart, Remus, I adore you so much.” He grinned, pinching Remus’ cheek. “It’s a shame it had to end this way. I was quite enjoying us you know?” his fingers danced around Remus’ frightened face.

Remus battled between his urge to wince away and relaxing into the warm touch. “What now?” his voice shook and he then cleared his throat. “You plan to kill me?” he spoke indignantly this time.

“More or less.” And for a split second, Sirius’ expression melted into one of sadness, almost convincing Remus but then it broke into a face-splitting grin. _“Kidding!”_ he poked the tip of Remus’ nose. “I want you to be happy! And you will be if I stayed, right? You said that’s what you wanted.”

His stomach dropped. Remus swallowed through his dry throat as he felt Sirius’ hands loop around his neck. His mind blanked with the delicate grazing by his nape and Sirius’ magnetic stare. Slowly, Sirius’ other hand trailed lower and it dipped under Remus’ shirt, sending shivers up his spine at the direct skin contact.

Sirius leaned into his ear. “Come on, Remus.” he murmured. At the new angle, Remus was inhaling Sirius’ scent with each breath intake, making him dizzy. “You can’t stand it when I’m gone. Admit it.” he dropped a kiss at the sensitive spot below Remus’ earlobe then squeezed himself between Remus and the bookshelf, pulling the latter until their chests collided.

Balanced tipped off, Remus’ arms braced himself on one of the shelves to avoid crushing Sirius with his full weight, bracketing Sirius right in the middle. They ended up eye to eye and his head spun with how much he was drowning in the other man’s presence. His gaze, his touch, his scent—it was all Sirius, making it impossible to focus on anything else.

There was a breath on his neck and a nose to his jaw. “Tell me you love this.” Sirius whispered, lips hovering above his own. The hand on the small of his back started caressing up and down before fiddling with the waistband of his trousers. _“Remus.”_ his gravelly voice mumbled. Remus thought the turn of events had purged him of his infatuation with Sirius, but apparently he never got past his weakness to hearing Sirius say his name like that.

As Remus’ lips parted to take in a shaky breath, Sirius captured his bottom lip and sucked, making him instinctively close his mouth around Sirius’. He tasted Sirius’ tongue and felt hands cup his arse before retreating under his shirt, roaming around his back. When he felt a familiar tug on his lower abdomen, he wrenched his eyes open. _No. This has to stop._ It was like covering his ears from a siren’s song. Every thought was replaced with an indulgent guilty craving for more. Remus felt his very essence slowly slip away and he was drowning again.

With all that’s left of his self-restraint, Remus pulled away, creating a generous distance between them. He kept himself from staring at Sirius’ kiss-swollen lips.

“I did.” Remus eventually said, unable to let the earlier statement remain unanswered. “That’s the most insane part of this. Don’t you understand? I wanted this! And it’s all wrong! How could I want you knowing what awaits me?”

“ _What_ awaits you, Remus?” Sirius, for what seemed like the first time, looked exasperated. “Don’t tell me you believe that stupid book? Your stupid friend telling you silly fairytales?”

These were his exact thoughts when the speculations first arose but Remus wasn’t about to return to settling for these words no matter how logical it may be. Two days ago, he wouldn’t have even dared believe the utter mess of a situation he was in right now. Needless to say, he was beyond resorting to facts and logic at this point.

“You just said so yourself. You’re a… _Sleep Demon!_ ” Remus hissed— wincing as he did— struck with the reality of the situation in finally uttering those words at Sirius. “That’s what you do, isn’t it?”

Sirius’ lips curled back to his signature smirk. “I said I wanted you to be happy.” He stepped forward again as Remus took a step back. It kept going until Remus’ back hit the counter behind him, locking him in place. “Don’t you also want that?” Sirius spoke softly, reaching out to Remus’ face.

Remus flinched at the nearing hand and his stomach immediately lurched, in fear of tipping Sirius off with his resistance. But then Sirius simply paused before gingerly placing his hand on Remus’ cheek, stroking there with his thumb. “I can take care of you.” Sirius said softly, wearing a small reassuring smile.

Sirius was looking at him with so much affection that Remus wanted to explode and scream in ambivalence. The worst part is how his biggest concern was not that Sirius broke his trust, but it was how the hope is _still_ there. He knew the right thing was to push Sirius away and put an end to whatever this was between them. He was scared, no doubt —of himself as much as he was of Sirius, but the regret was stronger. Remus only felt sorry for the lost opportunity of them together. This hope within him refused to die down… and he resented himself for it.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by Sirius moving his arm to drape around Remus’ neck as the man hovered right above his lips again, pausing. _Waiting._ Expecting…

This was Sirius giving him the illusion of having another choice. Remus _should_ turn his face or push Sirius away but he couldn’t. There is but one choice— submission. Sirius was choosing to be gentle in conveying this, he knew that now. Sirius has been holding back for _his_ sake.

With one final deep breath, Remus closed his eyes and cleared his mind as he surrendered all resistance. His chest ached at the desperate yearning for things to just be _normal_ then he’d willingly give his whole self to Sirius in a heartbeat just like the latter wanted. _If only things were normal…_

_****_

Time became completely irrelevant now Remus was more aware of everything.

He wasn’t even sure if it was because of his ceased concern to keep track of it but somehow, clocks and watches just stopped working altogether, which was convenient. Is time even still a thing? ‘Morning’ seems to always arrive after ‘nighttime’ which was the only determining factor for moments passing so that’s something at least.

Remus wished for normalcy, so that’s exactly how things were kept between them… or at least it seemed. He didn’t dare risk slipping up his established distrust towards Sirius as he was quite sure to be currently on thin ice and any slight misstep could acquaint him of the particularly unfriendlier side of Sirius he’d rather not force out.

On the other hand, guilt surged in him from these remaining doubts he has against Sirius. After all, Sirius only wished for his happiness, right? Sirius never fails to remind him of this. Why should knowing he’s an entirely different being change that? He’s done nothing but be there for Remus since then and wasn’t that precisely what Remus had asked for? With more patience and communication—like any normal relationship— things might just get better. There really shouldn’t be a problem, should there?

All this thinking is straining his inebriated brain. It’s been a while since Remus had finished a bottle of red wine and entered the bathroom but it was still making his thoughts hazy. Though he was thankful for it. He needed a break from all the stressing and worrying about his _‘life’_ at this point and the wine bottle just happened to be simply within reach. He hadn’t originally planned to finish it of course, but one sip led to a glass or two… or six. Besides, with everything going on, God knows he deserved something a lot stronger than red wine so if anything, he was being considerably mellow.

Remus was unable to catch himself before he sagged down to lean on Sirius’ chest, his head groggy from the wine. Instead of going rigid, he pretended to snuggle up to Sirius and felt a low rumble from Sirius humming appreciatively. He closed his eyes as Sirius ran soapy fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp before rinsing it with warm water.

Ever since the incident at the bookshop, he was terrified to be intimate with Sirius, but things were supposed to be _normal_ between them so he didn’t do anything that would hint about his reluctance. They would do things like take baths together or cuddle occasionally because that’s what normal couples do and whenever they did, the warmth of Sirius’ arms briefly made him forget the absurdity of it all.

“I was wondering…” Remus mumbled, though his voice echoed in the large bathroom. At Sirius’ hands lowering from his hair to wrap around his waist, Remus continued. “How different—you know, everything is to you. Since you aren’t—well, like me…”

Remus was expecting his attempt to incite a conversation centred around Sirius for the first time to be futile. That, or to receive an evasive answer in typical Sirius fashion, but instead he got up from the bathtub. Remus quickly snapped his eyes at Sirius’ face, discerning his expression. Dread rose in his gut for taking this huge risk, but he sighed in relief after finding an amused smile etched on the other man’s features.

Once Sirius finished drying himself and putting on new clothes, he extended a hand towards Remus. “Well, I don’t _need_ the things you usually do.” he said, pulling Remus to his feet.

He lets himself be helped into a bathrobe by Sirius. “Eating?” Remus asked, turning around to face Sirius as he tied the strings into a lazy ribbon.

Sirius shook his head.

“Shagging?” Remus blushed. Although he felt silly, it had been going on in his head ever since their first time after all.

The smile grew into a grin as Sirius shifted his eyes sideways. “No, not really. It doesn’t work for me the same way it does for you, but I enjoy it a lot.” he shrugged. “I mostly enjoy pleasuring you if I’m being honest.”

Remus ignored the odd frisson at Sirius’ piercing gaze. “So you don’t really need to…?” He trailed behind Sirius who was leading them to the kitchen.

“But I want to make you happy.” Sirius simply replied.

“This isn’t what my happiness solely depends on, you know.” Remus arched an eyebrow. It was getting a bit disconcerting hearing Sirius say that so easily—even more than the whole situation already is anyway.

Sirius turned to face him and leaned on the kitchen counter with his hip, arms crossed. “You can tell me all about other things that do make you happy then.”

Remus paused in thought before blurting out, "My friends do." He ran his fingers on the marble countertop, suddenly pensive. "They weren't real too?" He asked despite already knowing the answer.

He was right to expect silence. Remus raised his head to get a glimpse of Sirius’ expression but it was unreadable. Only a hum sounded in response before he stepped forward and held Remus’ hand. “Aren’t I enough? I promise I am, Remus. Just let me prove to you.”

Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius’ unblinking ones and desperately shook the idea of being pulled into believing his sincerity despite how convincing it was, and immediately felt guilty at this. He was starting to think he’s now fully sober as all these repetitive thoughts have returned vividly enough to torment him each time he’s faced with Sirius’ flowery words. He was back to spiraling about the direction of his ‘life’ at this point. Was this really all there is to it? An endless battle between wanting and fearing?

And then his eyes landed on something shiny nearby.

A butcher block filled with knives.

Something snapped within Remus as he didn’t hesitate grabbing the longest one, catching Sirius off guard at the sudden movement and releasing his hand in the process. At Sirius’ attempt to get closer once more, Remus instinctively pointed the sharp edge at his direction.

Blinking, Sirius’ surprised face slowly settled into one of arrogance as he raised an eyebrow. “What do you think you’re doing?” He tilted his head and stepped forward ever so slightly. “Are you going to kill me?” Distinct darkness flashed his features that was reminiscent of his demeanor during their row at the bookshop.

“I… have to find a way out.” Remus steadied his shaking hand with his other.

Sirius’ face then fell. “I thought you only wanted me to stay?” His eyes were round and pleading as he was leaning forward again but tentatively this time.

Remus shut his eyes and shook his head, tightly gripping the kitchen knife with both hands. “Shut up. Stop getting inside my head!”

“Remus,” he calls quietly waiting for Remus to meet his gaze. “I _belong_ in your head…”

Panicked, Remus’ breathing rapidly became shorter as it was getting more and more difficult to think straight. Instead, he inched the knife closer to Sirius’ throat. “No you don’t!” he cried.

Hands raised in a lazy sign of surrender, Sirius merely arched his eyebrows. “Go ahead Remus. I’ll just come back to you like I promised.”

The implications overwhelmed Remus; Sirius couldn’t die… He’d come back… Remus was _stuck_ …

He thought about all that’s happened so far and if it meant a reset of everything. Of being played by Sirius all over again and of seeing replicas of his friends…

His friends…

Remus remembered them talking about his sleeping problems, Peter specifically bringing up the whole lore of Sleep Demons in the first place. If they weren’t real, and Sirius didn’t want to be found out, how could Peter mention it?

He could remember their talk so clearly and it suddenly filled his eyes with tears in his longing to see them again. To joke around with James and Lily and Peter… To hear little Harry’s laugh…

And finally he remembered one fatal advice given to him when he was scared he couldn’t wake up:

_“…stories of people actually dying in their sleep just so they could escape these nightmares.”_

That’s it.

“Remus,” Sirius called in a more threatening tone.

The knife was now at Remus’ own throat.

Remus was trembling at the prospect of how a blade was the only thing separating him from death, or whatever fate he’ll end up in once he escaped Sirius. He swallowed through his parched throat and caught sight of Sirius’ wide eyes. He didn’t know what he was doing, but from the refreshing look of horror on Sirius’ face this time, he must be doing _something,_ and that’s enough, but still not entirely yet.

“I’m sorry, Sirius.” he said, pressing the cold steel against his delicate skin. “But you don't own me.”

After one last inhale, Remus closed his eyes, drowned out Sirius shouting, and slit his own throat.

_“Remus, NO—!”_

The sound echoed…

Darkness.

Beeping.

Hazy vision focusing.

  
  


_Beeeep… beeeep… beeeep…_

White ceiling came into view, then white sheets covering him from the waist below. He was lying on a bed—

A _hospital_ bed.

On the back of his left hand, an IV line was stuck to it. Slowly, he turned his heavy head to the side where a large monitor kept beeping in time with his heartbeat.

His last memory gradually formed in his mind along with the consciousness of the rest of his environment. The knife… _Sirius…_

That was all in the past now. Does this mean he’s really awake? Will he see his friends again?

This optimism however, was short lived—crushed, at the sight of the person behind the opening door to his ward: long midnight-black hair, silver eyes, a kind expression on sharp features…

Eyes wide, Remus struggled to sit up—his wobbly arms doing a poor effort in supporting his torso, his head spinning and his left hand throbbing. The monitor beeped rapidly behind him.

“H-how are… you… here?” Remus said in short breaths.

“Calm down, I’m your doctor. There’s no need to be so afraid.”

It was then when Remus noted the white collared coat, his shoulders relaxed and the monitor lessened to a steadier pattern though he continued eyeing up the intruder in the room who approached him cautiously. He concentrated at the name on the white coat’s left chest area. It was supposed to put a lid on his worries after not reading “Sirius” embroidered there, but Remus only glanced up at the other man’s face with a guarded expression. Regardless of the name, he knew from the many times he drowned in that man’s presence that he was undoubtedly staring back at Sirius’ handsome face right now which made his stomach lurch in apprehension.

“ _Regulus_ _Black?”_ he confirmed aloud, scrutinizing narrow eyes flicked between the tag and the too familiar silver eyes that were fixed at him.

 _Black_ ducked his head. “It’s perfectly normal to be disoriented, Remus. I came as soon as I found out you’re awake. I’d have given you more time to adjust but I doubted it was the most ideal option here.”

Remus focused on making his breathing even. He raked his eyes across his wide and desolated room, at the IV line on his left hand then at the window’s flowing curtains from the gentle breeze. Soft sunlight made the room glow in faded orange. “How long was I asleep?” he said, turning back to the doctor who stood by the monitor. “Are my friends here? Where are they? I need to see them.”

“Slow down,” soothed Black, raising an open palm at Remus before he continued to calibrate the monitor. Distracted, Remus watched him then pull out a syringe and tap it as if to activate the liquid inside it.

When it was aligned to the drip chamber, Remus blurted out in paranoia, “What is that?” he demanded, wide eyed.

Black retracted both hands, startled by the sudden accusatory tone. “One of your maintenance drugs,” he explains, “this hallucinogen is the best in boosting the required tetracycline your body needs to recover which might have been the cause for some serious bad dreams. But don’t worry, you’re awake now. It’ll less likely have a negative effect on you this time.” he assured with a curt smile.

Hearing more loaded information made Remus’ head swim with its ramifications. _‘Don’t worry’—_ he had said, and yet it did nothing but amplify Remus’ distress. The syringe was about to be inserted once more when, “Wait!” Remus called, “Do I not have the option to refuse to take this anymore? I-er, I mean, I _am_ awake after all.” His fingers fiddled with his numb left hand.

The brief silence that followed oddly reminded him of the times he knew he’d crossed a line with Sirius. He immediately regretted speaking up; his whole body tensing in dread.

But when the doctor—Black, turned, he wore a look of patience and nodded. “Of course, Remus.” he said, setting the syringe down on the bedside table. Remus intently watched Black inject the contents back to a small grey jar which had many red warning labels. “You’re safe,” he added for good measure.

“So, uh…” Remus cleared his throat. “What exactly happened to me?” he asked. If Sirius was just a bad dream, then that meant he was here for a different reason. He didn’t want to make the doctor think he’s hysterical (despite the strong notion that he most definitely was) as he feared being forced to take the hallucinogen again so he took it slow, even if it meant asking only one question at a time.

“Well,” Black sighed deeply, knitting his eyebrows in concern. He sat on a chair next to Remus’ bed. “I’m not sure if I should already be filling you in on this. It’s quite a lot to take in.” he cautioned.

To say it was the first time he dreaded knowing the truth would be an utter lie. “Tell me so we can get it over with.”

After a pause, “Your friends…” Black began tentatively.

“What happened to them?” Remus shot up at once.

“—they… they didn’t make it.”

Remus was sucker punched in the gut by these words.

Black shook his head. “It was a tragedy. A man called Pettigrew assisted the crime and led one serial killer straight to their house. And at night. The poor couple were defenceless.”

“P-Pettigrew?” Remus trembled. He felt sick.

“I’m so sorry, Remus.” Black reached out and patted Remus’ tightly clasped hands. “You’re the only survivor. Pettigrew was convicted this morning.”

The empty spaces of the room suddenly became a daunting sight and the silence suffocated Remus, yet he managed to choke out, “A-and Ha-Harry?”

Blinking, the other man replied, “The baby? Still missing I’m afraid.”

Tears flooded his vision and the world began to spin. Remus collapsed on the inclined bed and stared at the white ceiling. This can’t be true. He simply refused to believe it. He waited for the door to bust open with James yelling _‘Surprise!’_ , or Harry to come running and give him a crushing hug while Lily would chide her son to be more careful, albeit with a smile, as Peter would laugh behind them.

His chest ached unbelievably that there wasn’t any strength left in him to wipe the steady trickle of tears to the sides of his face. Remus hiccupped as he took a deep breath, _“Why couldn’t it have been me instead?”_ he croaked.

“We can’t have that, Remus.” Black was staring at him with pitiful round eyes which only worsened Remus’ lament. He was then reaching over to pour Remus a glass of water from the bedside table.

As Remus received the glass from Black, their hands fumbled with each other in his haste. “Thank you,” he mumbled, gulping it down within seconds. He tried ignoring the awkward exchange earlier but it was as if his hand was marked by the areas he had touched Black’s.

With one last smile, Black stood up. “Things will get better in time, Remus. I know you’ll have the strength to be happy again. I’m here to do what I can to help you with that.”

 _Happiness…_ Remus pondered—how curious it was for a doctor to be so keen on wishing happiness to a patient… Remus dropped his gaze back to his hands and felt the ghost of Black’s hand there. The lingering feeling only reminded him of one person in particular. He vehemently shook his head at this. How long would he continue to be haunted by Sirius' presence in his life? It was time to put a stopper on this. He refused to devote any more of his precious time to remember Sirius when _his friends_ suffered fate _way worse…_

But as it turns out, he had been a bit too conspicuous with his discordant thoughts as Black tilted his head in question and asked, “All right, Remus?”

“Oh, nothi—” Remus’ sheepish smile dissipated upon getting a proper glimpse of Black’s face. “You just really look like someone I know,” he said.

There was a short pause where Black’s expression was unreadable. Then his lips curled as he nodded curtly. “Must be because I always check up on you that I’ve slowly seeped into your sub-consciousness.” he said, tipping the small grey jar at Remus’ direction before turning to the door.

Remus’ heart sped up and was emphasized by the sound of the monitor filling up the silence. He certainly didn’t recall clarifying that it was someone from his dreams, so then without thinking, he said, _“Sirius,”_

Black froze.

It might just be his paranoia getting the best of him but there was no denying for _that_ to be something too suspicious of a reaction.

“Excuse me?” Black said, slowly turning back to face Remus.

“Sirius,” Remus repeated, much braver this time. “You… you aren’t _Regulus,_ aren’t you…”

This was it—Remus thought— _this_ was how he’d be forced to take the hallucinogen again or how he’d just secured himself a one-way trip to the mental asylum for his uncontrollable hysteria. The doctor was probably anticipating a slip up precisely like this so there’d be solid evidence about his unstable mental state; his inability to distinguish reality and which is merely a fabrication.

But Black simply stared back at him… _calmly,_ despite the outlandish accusation just fired at him. “I have no idea what you’re on about,” he eventually said, “I’m Regulus Black. Your doctor.”

“This can’t be just my mind playing tricks…” Remus pinched himself in a feeble attempt to check for physical pain. His eyes were still glued to Black’s all too familiar features—from the dark hair to his perfectly chiseled bone structure, down to his elegant slender hands and overall build. It’s like his own mind was warning him by vividly recounting him and Sirius’ very first conversation at the bookshop. Although it felt like such a long time ago, the memory was unmistakably distinct. _This happened before. It was a sign._

“Remus,” Black approached him once more, “this has never happened before.”

Remus snapped his gaze up in apprehension but realised the thoughts weren’t just running in his head but were apparently words spoken aloud.

“You need rest.” Black guided Remus’ head down to the pillow and smiled at him reassuringly. “It’s been quite a day for you, I imagine. But we will make things work and you will cheer up in no time.”

With the new angle, Remus was granted with a better and closer view of Black’s face, and it was simply uncanny. He was stuck staring at the other man while wearing a reproachful look.

“Remus,” Black gently called again since he lay frozen, “you have to let me.”

Hearing that, combined with Black’s subtle wishes for his happiness, struck something within him. But before he could do anything with this rush of cognition, Black was headed to the door again. And with one last smile, left Remus to mull over their entire interaction as the latter watched the door close with a soft thud.

Something was incredibly off.

It wasn’t just that he still refused to acknowledge the fate of… his friends… and how suspiciously similar this doctor was to Sirius, but also how he hadn’t failed to note the way Black’s smile never quite reached his eyes despite bringing up Remus’ _happiness_ twice during their entire conversation so far.

A voice inside his head reasoned with him to listen to the Professionally Trained Medical Expert instead of letting his doubts cloud his judgement, and get some _needed rest._ Remus shut his eyes, the steady beeping of the monitor filling the air, and willed himself to slip into copacetic dormancy.

But he couldn’t.

He began thinking if he had indeed made the wrong call to cancel his hallucinogen intake otherwise he’d have easily fallen asleep, but he quickly remembered it also meant seeing Sirius again.

_Sirius…_

And as he thought, the face that came into his mind was the doctor’s.

_“Must be because I always check up on you that I’ve slowly seeped into your sub-consciousness…”_

The first time he talked to Sirius, he remembered bringing up Sirius’ resemblance to someone from his own dream…

Sirius was constantly mentioning how he just wants Remus to be happy…

The feel of his hand…

Remus figured it out all on his own once. He can do it again.

The door barged open. Remus had freed himself from the confines of the small room and the stiff bed with sheets that reek of disinfectant.

He needed to get out.

First, he needed to find someone—anyone. When he reached the end of the hall, he found the nurse’s desk abandoned. Remus stepped closer to investigate, hoping at least for a phone or directions to an escape route.

For a moment he wondered if his vision was getting hindered by the low light from the late afternoon sun. When he reached a considerable distance between the desk and the huge window across, his stomach dropped upon discovering all the pages and signage simply blank. Not a single letter or text written on anything.

“Remus?”

He whipped his head so fast it almost made his neck snap. Remus’ mind was racing and his heart pounded his chest. Adrenaline coursed through his body in dread over being discovered but he clung onto the scarce hope of finally finding another person in this horrific place. 

But it turned out to be none other than Black who stood at the end of the hallway. “Why are you here? I thought I told you to rest?” he began stepping toward Remus.

“No! Stay right there!” Remus cried, voice trembling in panic. The sight of him approaching with lithe strides worsened the nausea building up in Remus’ gut.

Black held up his hands in the air and paused his movements. Then, “What is it?” he offered gently.

Slowly, Remus turned his head back to the nurse’s desk—but saw the open book’s pages and the signage directories above filled with text. He blinked and stared harder, expecting the normal scene to be a trick of the bloody light, but everything remained the same. The letters were neatly displayed across the surface, mocking Remus with each stroke properly inked in place.

 _“I saw it…”_ Remus protested weakly, _“_ There wasn’t…” he grabbed fistfuls of his already disheveled hair.

“Nothing is wrong, Remus, see? You just need rest. It’s perfectly normal to be disoriented after what you’ve been through, alright?” Black’s distance was significantly shorter when Remus glanced up again.

 _Nothing is wrong…_ There it was: the accusations of delusion. It slotted right in the remaining space of this inscrutable puzzle. Remus has finally reached his breaking point. _“Stop, stop this! Stop the mind games and the fucking charade! I know it’s you, Sirius. I know I haven’t escaped and I’m still trapped inside my head with you. I know it!”_ Remus sobbed, backing away from the man in front of him _._

He made a move to step forward, “Rem—”

“Sirius, please! This has to stop _. The truth this time!”_ Remus pleaded. His throat was strained from his shouting and he shivered against the cold tiles of the floor from his bare feet, but his body’s protests of discomfort were trifling compared to his desperate longing for the turbulence in his mind to cease.

“Okay,” he conceded. And when his expression fell, there was no denying anymore—with it came the whole façade. _Sirius_ was standing across Remus right now. He couldn’t tell how he knew, but he just somehow instantly did.

Remus took a few deep breaths before managing to find his words, “What happened to my friends? Was it all true?” he bit his quivering bottom lip as he stood his ground.

Sighing, Sirius looked up and met his gaze, “Would you believe me if I said it wasn’t?”

He watched Sirius mirror his look of plea. “Sirius, tell me!” he spat.

Sirius rolled his eyes and tutted in exasperation. “That annoying rat just had to blabber about his stupid cousin,” he cursed under his breath, albeit audible enough for Remus. Sirius heaved a sigh and appeared to collect himself before continuing, “You want the truth? Fine. There is no escape. All this time I was trying to help you at least be comfortable and happy. I had to get to know you so I would know how to appeal to you. I made you work inside a bookshop because I know how much you loved reading! You thought things were dreary so I made you look forward to something. I didn’t want to intervene but I saw how much you glowed when I decided to show myself. And it was beautiful. _You’re_ beautiful.”

The intensity of Sirius’ gaze drove Remus to look away. He felt faint.

“I _tried_ , Remus,” he continued, his tone soft but forceful, “Believe me when I say I really just want to help you.”

Sirius was right in front of him by now, looking at him with his round imploring eyes, but Remus couldn’t bring himself to move away anymore. He could only turn his head to avoid having to face Sirius as he lets a tear roll down his cheek.

“I only ask you to stop resisting.” He hears Sirius add from behind. “We can make this work—you just have to willingly stay. I can’t force you. Please, Remus.”

When Remus felt hands brush past his arms, he instinctively pushed it away with his elbows and felt it collide against something solid and a loud grunt of pain sounded from behind. Distraught, Remus spun around and saw Sirius hunched and clutching at his stomach. A wave of shock flowed through Remus’ body as he froze.

“I-I’m sorry…” he stuttered. “All of this is insane but you’ve never actually hurt me. Fuck, I’m sorry Sirius.” He swiped the back of his hand across his tear-stricken face and focused on steadying his shaky breaths.

Sirius straightened himself and gave a pained smile at Remus. “It’s alright. You can never hurt me,” he said, waving a dismissive hand.

Tentatively, Remus reached out a hand to cup Sirius’ cheek despite the several voices in his head shouting at him to retract his hand as soon as contact was made. The warm and familiar sensation gradually muffled everything else around him as he let his hand adjust and reacquaint itself to the feel of Sirius’ face, his thumb stroked the smooth skin and the other man nuzzled back to his touch. 

“I love you, Remus,” he then said in a tone so declarative like it was just another fact of life.

Remus’ hand stilled. The words hit him like being doused by an icy bucket of water. He was pulled out of his trance. The voices he tucked in the back of his mind pushed their way forward, granting Remus the determination to withdraw his hand as he stared at Sirius, appalled. “This isn’t love.” He backed away from a disheartened Sirius who began reaching out. “What do you even know about it?” Remus demanded, his chest ached and each word he spoke weighed him down.

Sirius ducked his head and had the decency to look bashful himself. “I just know that I want you to be with me,” he said in a small voice, he looked up and it was the saddest Remus had seen him. His platinum eyes were glistening against the orange sunset and he was sporting a faint smile. 

“Not like this…” Remus croaked, shaking his head. Something clicked after seeing Sirius like that. It turns out wishing for normalcy had been an underlying desperation he was projecting the entire time, he was just too scared to admit. His heart sunk at the realisation of his hopeless adoration that refused to die down despite it all. That until now Remus thought: _Sirius is still someone he would've done so much for…_

“You’re right. I have no idea what it is…” Sirius continued, “but this feeling sounds like it… You can teach me. Please Remus, don’t go.” He extended his hand, gingerly taking Remus’ as he lessened the space between them.

The window beside Remus gleamed bright. Remus wondered if death was still that far away or unattainable of a means for escape. He considered the odds. There might never be a way to tell if or whenever Sirius is lying, but Remus lost all hope to find out anymore. Are his friends really gone? Does Sirius genuinely wish for his happiness? Is there really no escape? Remus will never find out anymore. It’s the most painful part yet it’s as if every aspect of him stopped hurting all together anyway. He turned his body to face Sirius and when their eyes met, he saw nothing but _'love'_ and _'stay.'_

“No more lies.” Remus murmured.

“Remus,” his tone was indecipherable.

_“I need to hear you say it…”_

Sirius’ wide eyes eased into one of hopefulness which Remus envied. “No more lies. I solemnly swear it to you, Remus Lupin,” he said as the hospital’s white walls slowly shifted into the interior of Remus’ flat. “Do I have you?” he asked.

Remus observed the place and couldn’t keep his tears longer. 

_Pathetic…_

The word echoed in his head.

All this time he’d been fighting for the truth, he’d braced himself for every confrontation and yet, to witness it completely unravel in front of him was still too much. He fell on his knees as he sobbed loudly. “You do,” he said in between hiccups. He felt Sirius’ strong but gentle arms wrap around his shoulders and he grasped at the other man’s clothes. “You already have. For a long time now.”

“I love you,” Sirius whispered, one hand caressing Remus’ back as he tightened his hold, “I’ll be good to you,” his other stroked Remus' hair soothingly.

“I…” Remus rested his head on Sirius’ chest and exhaled a shaky breath, “I love you too, Sirius.”

And he meant it.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: A1 Dead Radio - Rowland S. Howard  
>  _you're bad for me like cigarettes  
>  but i haven't sucked enough of you yet  
> nothing is sacred and nothing is true  
> i'm no one that's nowhere when i'm here with you_
> 
> _i've lost the power i had to distinguish  
>  between what to ignite and what to extinguish_
> 
> _i blew in last night, i'm the ghost from the coast  
>  when the lighting is bad i'm the man with the most  
> you left me to choke on a heart up in smoke  
> smiling through your tears and your tetracycline overdose_  
> [(...)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv_6ZlXP7Gk)  
>    
>   
> thank you so much for reading! shoutout to my two betas who had no choice but to listen to my whining as well as witness my crises: maki_banana and mie_tachibana thank you for your cake metaphor and all your amazing support
> 
> also i feel like i have to put this out here: this is a work of _fiction._ i dont condone JKR’s bs or any of the dark and twisted themes in this story like dubcon and gaslighting/emotional manipulation.


End file.
